5 Hilarious Craigslist Personal Ads
Lots more Craigslist fun @ http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/
5. INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)
Lots Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT
Hello ladies of the internet!
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.
Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).
You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them.
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.
BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage
- Large collection of animé and manga
- Glasses
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying
- Traditional Ladies' education
I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.
4. Girl seeking WoW player - w4m
Date: 2008-10-14, 11:01AM PDT
Do you like to PvP in the World of Warcraft? Do you want to have sex with a girl playing arena in the eighteen-hundreds bracket? Do you want to have sex with me WHILE I play arena? Continue reading..
I will be playing my druid.. she is in full Season 3 and some Season 4. I play with another female player on her warrior, but she is not going to physically join us.. she will be on vent or skype listening in, but mostly her purpose will be to keep the game going smoothly by letting me know what is happening so I don't have to pay much attention.
You must be ok with vaginal and anal penetration, as well as eating me out, and you must be able to finish on me twice within one hour.
But more importantly, you must be familiar with the game. You should be not only yelling things like, "Your pussy feels so good on my dick" but also pay some attention to my arena game(s). And be loud. Remember, I'll have my headset on to talk to my partner. "Root him!", "Cyclone so I can pull out and fuck your ass" and so on. You must be kinky, naughty, and very horny. I will be quizzing you, so if you are not sure about your stuff, please do not respond.
What you have to do/have in order for me to consider you:
- You must have at least one level 70 in equivalent gear, maybe we can chat about it.
- You cannot be overweight, but also not the muscle jock body type with a brain the size of a pea. Chubby is BEST!
- You must be able to spell.
- You must be at least 20 years old and no older than 29.
- At least 5'10".
- No blondies.
- Dark hair, dark eyes
- Prefer uncut, but you must be clean. Circumsized will be considered, but not preferred.
About me:
- I am 5'8"
- 150lbs
- Blue eyes and brown hair.
- I know a lot about video games.
- I want to fuck you while I play arena if you fulfill the above requirements. - I am very tight.. I have not had sex in about 8 months.
3. Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park - w4m
Date: 2008-10-12, 3:14PM PDT
I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.
Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy.
You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor.
I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.
Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.
I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.
2. SWF who isn't asking too much
Date: 2008-09-10, 9:46AM EDT
I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.
I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself!
Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.
-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture
-must be 420 friendly
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary
-some knowledge of vintage wine
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access
-must love pinball and not play ping pong
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!
-NO FELONS!!!
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.
I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart.
Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics.
~M
1. Video games and starbucks - m4w
Date: 2008-07-29, 7:22PM MDT
Ok, this is going to sound odd, but the Starbucks near my house has like NO parking in the morning.
So, what I'm looking for is a girl who wants to crash out with me the night before, and then in the morning, ride in my car with me past the Starbucks, so I can have someone run in without me having to find parking.
I'll pay for the Starbucks and up to one (1) baked item. No venti's. You can leave a tip if the barista (or baristo) is worthy of one, but make sure to bring me the receipt.
I understand that we are human beings with needs, so if we should happen to let our bodies get the better of ourselves for hours and hours the night before, then there isn't really much I can do about that, but seriously - this is about coffee - not wildly passionate, kinky, orgasm sessions, ok? OR if you could give me a good blow job while I play video games, that would be even better.
The only oral delight taking place will be when those sweet Arabica beans are hitting our lips. Certainly not anything to do with my head between your legs for 20-30 minutes at a time.
Got it? Ok, cool. Be sure to send a picture so I can tell we're going to be looking good sipping Starbucks together in my ride (1991 two-tone Saturn).
Haha I love craigslist. Dude seriously they got everything on there. Even hookers. i think they should shut that section down though.
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